Either do it their way, or it ain't gonna be done. That is how the Turkish government views being in a partnership with the European Union (EU). From the way Turkey's officials behave, it appears that they think the Europeans want to join them, instead of the other way around. But what does one expect when Deputy Prime Minister Mesmut Yilmaz states, "Sooner or later, the EU will admit Turkey as a member, because, as I mentioned a while ago, this is a historical obligation. Moreover, EU will do this by respecting our unitary structure and the rights of the Turkish Cypriots and by leaving the Armenian issue in the hands of historians." The Turkish attitude could not be more plain: Europe is obligated to admit Turkey, and on Turkey's own terms. I must confess that occasionally I do not know whether the Turkish officials are joking or whether they really believe some of their own preposterous comments.

JOKERS SUPREME
Certainly, they must be jokers. It certainly cannot be stated in a serious vein when Turkish officials comment that never in their history have the Turks discriminated against anyone and that they, the Turks, are the essence of congeniality. This is what Devlet Bahceli, the Nationalist Movement (Grey Wolf) leader had to say when the French Senate reaffirmed the Genocide. Mr. Bahceli et alia must be laughing when they want the Europeans and the rest of the thinking and reading world to believe that the unflattering sobriquet "The Terrible Turk" is a figment of the historian's mind. Pardon me, a figment of the "biased or anti-Turk" historian's mind. One must imagine that comedians and not artists splashed Tammerlane and the Huns all over monuments in Turkey.

Certainly, a comedian must have written Mr. Bahceli's script when he stated that Turkey "does not have that many demands of the EU administration. Turkey expects the EU administration to follow a well-intentioned and credible membership policy. This is in no way a request for preferential treatment." He jests, of course. Even a Grey Wolf disguised as a born-again democrat must know that the largest disparity of per capita income differences between the EU and nations that have been previously admitted was a multiple of four. When Greece was admitted, the average Greek made $5000 per year, while the average EU country's income was approximately $20,000. However, currently, the average for the EU nations is $22,000 per year, and Turkey flounders at $3000. The average EU income surpasses Turkey seven to eight times and Germany's runs 11 times higher than that of Turkey. Before the EU admitted any of the current members, they were made to comply with the required democratic underpinnings. The closest that Turkey comes to being a democracy is that its people are allowed to vote. They also voted in the USSR and, you know, I never did hear, see or read that any American president called the USSR a democracy. And to my knowledge neither did any of our stalwarts in the State Department.

TAKING CUE FROM CLINTON
I do recall, however, that a venerated former president did name the voting USSR the "Evil Empire." So obviously, Mr. Bahceli is practicing for the stage (world stage) to be a comedian. Of course, the role of comedian took on added alacrity when the Turkish government vetoed the US Congress's right to vote on the Genocide Resolution. Turkey took its cue from a grand comedian who is posing as the leader of the United States. Bill Clinton's comedy act and his practical jokes about honor led Turkey astray. When the Clintonian slicksters helped Turkey to impose a veto on the U S House of Representatives, Turkey assumed that being a comedian brought results.

The problem for Turkey is that Europe is not laughing. Obviously, Mr. Yilmaz must have had tongue in check when he started that Turkey was currently trying hard to "finalize the Westernization it had started some 200 years ago" and while they were making this transformation, "Turkey had never asked anything of Europe." He definitely must have smiled at that remark, knowing full well that they are currently asking Europe for the biggest prize without surrendering anything to European values and the EU rules: accession to the EU.

FEEDING TURKEY A PROBLEM
Ooops, maybe we are to understand that Turkey is not asking, they are demanding. Anyway, the joke is that Europe should admit Turkey with an anticipated per capita income of a projected $4,000 in 2005. The EU should smile over the fact that Turkey continues to have runaway inflation and a "staggering rate" of unemployment. By2005, there will be approximately 70 million Turks. The EU allocates one-third of its budget to regional and agricultural funds. The purpose is to establish harmony within Europe in the agricultural sector. If Turkey is admitted into the EU soon, the entire budget just mentioned will not be sufficient to feed Turkey. Certainly, buddies of Bill Clinton can demand what they wish. But comedians run in packs, or is it the wolf that runs in packs? Pardon me, because I get mixed up trying to ferret out the mind of comedians, particularly when they manage countries, or is it rule countries? Bulent Ecevit must be jesting too. He took umbrage that the EU called the 30,000 Turkish troops on Cyprus an occupying force. He prefers to call the Turkish force "Turkish peacekeepers." It does not matter that the EU does not stand alone on this issue. The international community must forget that the UN has ordered Turkey out of Cyprus. The joke is that Mr. Ecevit wants the EU to pressure Greece into holding "civilized dialogue" with Turkey on Cyprus while Ankara holds a gun to Cyprus's head.

Perhaps the saddest joke uttered by Ecevit, which proves he is not a comedian, is his sudden love for the Kurds after the EU castigated Turkey about its shameful treatment of minorities. "They are trying hard to portray our fellow countrymen [Kurds], who are an inseparable part of the whole as a minority. The European Turk cann= ot accept such nonsense." All this love for the Kurds as Turkish planes and soldiers continue to attack "terrorists and separatists." Everyone knows that there are no minorities in Turkey, for the Turkish consti= tution makes everyone equal.

The Turkish officials are not making out well as comedians. Their jokes and meanings are so subtle that the Europeans do not laugh. So maybe it is time for Turkey's officials to stop the jokes and get down to serious business.

Springfield, VA